Archive for sneeze

The 7 Sneeze Commandments…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2015 by Jay Isip

Person:   Cough…       People’s response: yuck

Person:   Burp…        People’s response: eyeroll

Peron:     Fart…          People’s response: disgusting

Person:   Sneeze…     People’s response: GOD BLESS YOU!


Out of the four semi-uncontrollable bodily functions to help disperse unwanted bacterial microbes, poisonous gases, and other wasteful organisms – it seems that sneezing has earned respect somewhere down the line. Enough respect for the world to react in a manner as if someone has almost lost their life. Our worldview on sneezing has perceived its value higher than any euphemism our body protrudes. Sneezing has changed the world today by blessing one another and wishing each other a clean and longer-lived life. All from a god damn sneeze…

This is ludicrous…

“Blessing one another” after a sneeze originated centuries ago from various misconceptions. Some believed that sneezing helped block evil spirits from entering your body during a split second of potential death. It was presumed that your body was susceptible for a demonic possession and vice-versa. Others believed during a sneeze, you ultimately released your entire soul and by saying God bless you, you would retrieve it – also stopping the Devil from snatching up your loose change like a bully at recess. Or, my favorite, where people believed that your heart stopped during a sneeze and the common courtesy phrase would bring you back to life.

When did we all suddenly become miracle workers? When did we develop super human powers to bring back the dead? Maybe we should all just go to a cemetery and spit “God bless you’s” all over the dirt so we can remake the hit music video, Michael Jackson’s Thriller!

I mean, that’s the only reason I would use it for if this was the case…

Okay, I understand that during ancient times many different problems had difficulty providing proper solutions and even harder because it was all based on trial and error. But this error has long outlived itself as we still to this day consider and hand out God Bless you’s as one of the most powerful common courtesy’s of today.

I’m disgusted. Not only by the germicidal snots of the sneeze, but also the way we take advantage, misuse, and perceive others of this sneezing phenomenon. This worldwide gesture has now become a verbal form of respect that is no longer an option – but a must in every country.

Other countries…

America: God Bless you; or bless you

German: Gesundheit

Arabic: Alhamdullilah (praise be to god)

Hindu: Live; or live well.

Russia: Bud zdorov (be healthy); or rosti bolshoi (grow big)

China: Bai sui (may you live 100 years), crazy how two words in Chinese frame an entire phrase in English.

You get the point…

In our generation, it is much more of a some-what respectful gesture to deliver a blessing after someone sneezes. One the flip side, it is found disrespectful if someone has not delivered the blessing of God after a sneeze. Now, I don’t mind the whole gesture side and respectfulness of acknowledging somone’s sneeze, but there should be rules.

What really puts my panties into a bunch is when people get upset after they sneeze because no one says “God bless you” — now that pisses me off. I know the phrase is a universally known gesture, but there are some people who would just not rather engage – like myself, and for the fact of that manner, we should respect it as others would respect yours. We have taken this “bless you” thing way too seriously, and most of us have no idea why we even say it. We only say it because we have become so accustomed to it in our present culture and generations of the past. The original meaning has become forgotten and buried with the worms, but the value still stands – but why? There is no answer; the common answer would be, “ because it’s common courtesy.” There are 36,890,011 things you could do to act courteous and would have more meaning to your gestures. In my opinion, this “God bless you” courtesy has gone too far, but if we are to continue – I will respect the phrase and its meaning, but I do believe we need some rules.

The 7 Sneeze Commandments…

  1. When you sneeze, don’t expect a God bless you—but accept it when it comes.
  2. When you sneeze, and no one says God bless you, there is no reason to get upset, feel disrespected, or perceive the other as disrespectful—they may have different beliefs.
  3. When you sneeze, and someone says God bless you, don’t feel obligated to say thank you–it’s your choice. (I don’t)
  4. When you sneeze, there is a five-second window for someone to say God bless you. If it exceeds the five-seconds, then your beat street. But, if someone says God bless you after the five-second window–they’re an asshole because they are giving you a courtesy God bless you, which actually hold no value. Your pity is not wanted from my sneeze.
  5. If you sneeze more than three-times, you have exceeded your blessings. Three God bless you’s in a row is the limit.
  6. You can grant someone a lifetime of God bless you’s after one sneeze. When someone sneezes, and you say, “God bless you for a lifetime.” You’re clear as sky, and never have to deliver the blessing ever again to that one person.
  7. If you sneeze on American soils, and someone says “Gesundheit” or blesses your sneeze in another language—it doesn’t count. “God bless you”, or “Bless you”, nothing else. So if you’re going to do it, do it right–let’s not get fancy.

My Turning Point…

The year was 2011 and I was drunkenly stumbling across the Persian carpet hallways of the Taj Mahal in the beautiful slums of Atlantic City. I was headed towards the elevators to head to my designated room for some in-house food service, probably some steak-and-egss. After wandering around clueless, missing steps, and falling, I finally discovered the entrance to the elevators – and by the entrance awaited an older man who sported a baby blue Member’s Only jacket and a trash can for my empty solo cup that was piggy backed by an ashtray to put out the fire from my Malboro menthol 100’s. I stumbled toward the elevators and the older man stared at me in disgust as if I reminded him of one of his drug addict children. He wanted nothing to do with me, and luckily for him we had to share an elevator. I died out the stogie out for “common courtesy” because I knew it was rude to smoke in an elevator – or because it’s illegal. Either way I put it out for the old man and not my health.

“Going up?” I asked.

He doesn’t even budge as he is blatantly ignoring me because I probably looked like a homeless drunk that stole clothes from the Salvation Army – I can’t blame him, I was only trying to be nice, but we all know by now trying to be nice will get us nowhere sometimes.

“Well, I’m going up so I will push the up button for us.” I said.

It seemed his Alzheimer’s started a little early for him, because he didn’t even realize that he was standing in front of the elevator and neither of the buttons were lit up. So, I pushed the “UP” button for us, and he glanced at me with a dirtier look than Clint Eastwood.

Was this guy serious? I’m trying to help you out bro–but like I said, “trying” to be nice doesn’t work in most situations.

“DING. DING.” the elevator door opened as the awkward breeze actually started to make my pores overflow with anxious sweats–or alcohol. We enter the cellblock of vertical movement, and so, I decided to give it one more shot at communication.

“What floor you on sir?” I asked.

“…………………………………” Older man.

He walked over and pushed button to floor nine. It was apparent he wanted no part of my existence, it’s okay though–I understand where he’s coming from and I would do the same if I was in his shoes. The elevator start’s moving upward and so did the awkward silence.

“ACHHOOO!” The man sneezed so loud I saw the evil spirits fly out of his nostrils.

“AAACHHOOO!” again he sneezed louder than the Allergic Tortoise from Never Ending Story

I ignore his sneeze and go on with my business as we both had previously agreed that we do not exist to each other. Several seconds go by…

“God bless you! Oh thank you!” the man sarcastically said to himself, and grilled at me with a sinister grin.

I looked back at the man and said, “Are you fucking kidding me? Did you expect a God bless you?”

“Well that’s what people with good morals usually do.” He said.

My blood started to boil like cannibal stew and I soon envisioned ripping his heart from his chest like Kano. I couldn’t believe what this man had just said to me. After trying to be nice on several occasions in our short time together, this asshole expects me to bless his soul after a sneeze? – KICK ROCKS FELLA!

“Well, I guess I’m not the right person to sneeze in front of — sir.” I sarcastically replied.

“You kids have no manners these days.” He said.

The elevator door opens and I slowly exit with one last statement.

“I’m sorry I didn’t live up to your expectations and God bless your soul. Jerkoff.” I replied.

“Eeehh go f#$k yourself.” He mumbled.

I laughed, not at him, but with him – because we were both assholes. I understand why this older gentleman was showing me no respect, but he didn’t have to take it this far. He was giving me the evil eye because I looked like a disgrace to mankind – and he was right. Who the hell am I to offer good deeds if I couldn’t even take care of myself?

Nowadays, we expect way too much from each other just because we are supposed to act in a certain manner – or mannerisms. We believe we are all owed something just because we offer good deeds and act in good morals. This common courtesy has gone way too far and we have become so accustomed to these everyday manners that we actually forgot what they truly stand for—if we even know at all. We all expect way too much from one another inside of this tit-for-tat generation. We do things in our habitat because it’s a common courtesy and then feel like we are owed something in return for our so-called good deed – like a “thank you” from a “God bless you” after a sneeze.

What happened to just doing good things for no reason?

We live in a world where we are “supposed” to say God bless you when someone sneezes, yet most of us can barely clean up after our own snot. Before we start throwing holy water on the sneeze-festival, how about we clean up our own manners first – with no expectations.

Expect less, and achieve more…

%d bloggers like this: